Motherhood, second edition

At my age, which is 53 (how in the world did THAT happen?) you start to think about your life up to this point. You start second guessing all the things you thought you did right early on as a Mom, and now wonder if it was right. A friend of mine just wrote me such a great email about how she has loved being a mother, but that she knows she made mistakes and hopes her children can forgive her and know that she did the very best she could with the information she had at the time. I couldn't say it any better than that. It not only brought me to thoughts of my own family and sons, but it brought me to thoughts of my own parents, and how UNforgiving I have been at times, and how UNkind I have been to them. They are gone now, and I cannot ask them to forgive me for my lack of respect and love for them. I wonder if they knew that I loved them? I often think about how much I thought they DIDN'T love me, but I am pretty sure in this deep reflection that is upon me today, that maybe they may have wondered if I was ever going to stop just thinking about myself and give them a passing thought, a gentle word, or a genuine thank you for all they did for me. I hope it's not too late. "Thanks Mom and Dad."

What did they do? Some pretty important stuff. Let's start with MOM:

Mom joined the LDS church alone. That took some bravery! She was a young mother whose husband was not interested in church. She struggled to get us kids to church each week as she sat alone in a pew with 3 little kids that she loved. Why else would she do that? She took care of us and we never were in need for anything. Ever. Mom didn't feel well most of the time, because of her MS, but she would still mow the grass, clean the house (which was immaculate) cook the meals. She took care of a dog that a friend gave me when I was 16. She didn't want a dog, but she took care of that dog because she loved ME. She later had to go to work because she became divorced and a single Mom. She didn't want us kids to go without one thing. and, We didn't. She's always been there to talk to, complain to, whine to, argue with and look to for advice. Of course, my mother was not perfect, but she was a good Mom, and she did the very best she could with what she knew at the time. I look back at the times I disappointed her and feel sad. Did I ever apologize? For anything? I can't remember.
I watched her leave this world in 2007, and I remember whispering to her, "I love you Mom. It's ok to go, we'll be ok. Fly." I hope she somehow knows how much I love her and miss her and how much I need her in my life. Forever.

Next is Dad. Dad was fun but dad expectations that were mostly unspoken. I just knew. Dad taught me to work, and to work hard and to be the best at whatever I did, even if it was just bagging groceries at the grocery store. I never wanted to disappoint him, but I did many times in my life. I suppose he would say, that he had disappointed me also. That's just how he was. He worked hard all his life. I never went without anything. He provided well. He joined the LDS church when I was senior in high school, and our family was later sealed in the temple. My family then had 3 years of pure joy. At least it was for me. I will always be grateful for that little glimpse of heaven before it all fell apart again. I had never been so happy. Dad wasn't perfect. He himself, thought he was far from it. But He was my Dad, and I will love him forever. I am so sad he chose to leave the world the way he did. Why couldn't I have done more for him? Why didn't I?

So, where are these thoughts taking me that will benefit me and my own now grown children?
I don't know other than to say, as my friend did, that I love being a Mom to my sons, that I would do anything for each of them, no matter the cost, and for those times when I have been wrong, which have been too many, I do apologize.
Even though the 'apron strings' have been un-tied as you've gone on to live your own lives, and you will someday have children of your own, just remember that YOUR mother loves you. And I've tried to do the very best I know how, and I'll keep trying.